Definition: The act or process of recognizing and affirming that a person’s existence and all things pertaining to: opinions, feelings, thoughts and behaviors are acceptable, truth or fact.

The Psychology of Validation

Validation is usually seen as a weak point in our psychology. We see validation as a negative aspect to our person but actually, it is a normal quality of our mental/emotional processing. One of the first things we do when we enter this life is connect to our mothers. Through that connection, we develop desires for mental/emotional support. Validation is literally a byproduct of connection. Why do we desire validation? Well, because validation is a stimulant. Stimulants create pleasurable experiences due to the buildup of dopamine. It feels good when we are accepted, so of course, we want to continue to have these pleasurable experiences, for better or worse.Why does validation exist? Well simply put, because people grouping together exists. We have to maneuver around other human beings and validation is a mental/emotional survival mechanism that comes from having to survive in a group atmosphere. I want to add that one of our brains main function is self-preservation, and our brain cannot distinguish between physical or nonphysical survival so our conditions may have changed in regard to the threats and dangers of living in nature but now we have to survive mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in our current society. Validation is a survival mechanism because being invalidated puts the mind in a state of feeling unwanted and unprotected. This has real implications because when not protected by the tribe it leaves you vulnerable. Our society has often ostracized people for certain practices, thoughts and beliefs especially when you go against the status quo and that can be very damaging to our mental and emotional being. No one wants to be cast out, we all want to be understood and accepted for the way that we choose to behave, feel and think. For example, when we choose our friends, we choose individuals who are most like ourselves, this allows us to feel validated within our human experience. We do this because not doing so creates the feeling that we don’t matter, belong or that no one has our back when it comes to how we think, feel and behave. On the other hand, it acts as a “checks and balances” within the society. There are people in this world who does not care if anyone validates them, nor do they validate anyone else. That sort of being is very dangerous for the group because they move in peoples lives in a very damaging way and they do not care who is harmed in the process even if it is them.

The Conditioning of Validation

The way you seek validation is determined during childhood and this will affect whether your relationship with validation is toxic or none toxic. As children, we are constantly going through mental, emotional, and physical development processes. We are trying to interpret our environments, the people around us and how they show: self-love, self-esteem, self-worth, morality and so on. The conditioning in how we seek validation will come firstly from our relationship with family. This is your mother, father, and siblings will have the most impact on how you are taught to seek validation. Schooling also heavily impacts these years. We spend nearly 14 years in school, 8 hours a day. We spend less time then that interacting with our own parents during the week. This is why friends and peers are second to influencing how we seek validation. Thirdly, world-view (how the world sees you), then romantic relationships, lastly self-validation; the last three usually happen later on in life. Let‘s focus on the first two, so how are we conditioned? It is quite simple, our parent/s and our peers approval or disapproval of our opinions, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. With this, we learn what to do to be validated and what to avoid so that we are not invalidated. This is also where the negative side of validation is born. In a perfect world, our parents are supposed to fill up our cups. This simply means they cultivate an environment of guidance, growth, and acceptance mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically so that we become whole human beings who use validation in healthy ways. The lack of filling up a child’s cup leaves them deficient in areas so they seek that guidance outside the home. This is where the toxic behavior, thoughts, and feelings come into play because the acceptance is sought by any means necessary, even when it goes against our best interests. For us women, we seek validation through our friends, through men/relationships or even social status. For example, Mental Validation, being praised and rewarded when we make good grades conditioned us to enjoy that sort of approval and recognition for doing something good or accomplishing a task. If someone grew up in a home where they did not receive any praise for making good grades, they may become an overachiever who wants to be a better student than everyone so they receive recognition. Even hurt other students in the process by downing their intelligence or lack thereof so that they would feel like the smarter student. On the other hand, they could become an underachiever that thinks making good grades is a waste of time. “A” students aren’t necessarily socially outcasted for being an “A” student but they sure aren’t the most relatable so, they could suffer socially, so if there is no reward for making good grades this person might dumb themselves down or become the class clown to make up for the lack of praise academically. School is also the first time we see differencing opinions and action towards how we seek validation. Which also helps us gravitate toward people most like ourselves. We learn through our peers what behaviors, thoughts and opinions are acceptable in conjunction with what’s acceptable at home then we choose which is more valuable to ourselves. I may value emotional validation while someone else values physical validation so our perception of validation in the school environment and how we seek that validation out will be very different.

Manipulation through validation and the effect on women

As women, we have to acknowledge that we seek an unhealthy amount of our validation through men and how beneficial we are to them and their needs. Our opinions, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are only seen as worthy or acceptable when we are not stepping on the toes of our male counterparts. When we decide to move in ways that are self-benefitting such as being career minded, putting marriage and kids 2nd, 3rd, even 4th to our dreams and finding ourselves, we are looked at as: misguided, selfish, bitter, or too independent, oh and my favorite hoes or damaged because “how dare she not have a husband and kids that’s all she exists to do!” It‘s funny how these words are constantly being thrown in our face in order to guilt us into seeking what everyone validates as the “perfect wholesome woman,” so we often follow the status quo. Let’s talk about a trending topic right now. Lori Harvey is a 22-year-old, successful, financially independent and beautiful woman who is living in her feminine energy as she dates, or not date, who she pleases as she pleases. A lot of men are in an uproar! Literally taken aback because they are used to women worrying and stressing about settling down with one man that we don’t date and see what we actually want and deserve from a man. So Lori Harvey’s dating practices are being seen as a negative. Men are on the chopping block honey, but they are not happy. We get it though guys we would be worried too if we were you lol. In all seriousness though we must be honest about how we are persuaded from birth. From the time we start budding we are programmed from our guardian, our peers, and media. We are told to seek our value through love, relationships, marriage and having children all before we even know who we are or what a decision like that means for our existence. So many women inevitably fall into this validation trap. I call it a trap because these are decisions that will cost you 10+ years of your life if it’s not what you want. If the decision isn’t thought through strategically and carefully you could end up losing yourself in the process of giving into validation. No one ever talks about how detrimental societal validation can be for women. Giving into validation without really thinking about what value it brings to your life takes us away from finding ourselves, finding our purpose and becoming full human beings so that we can influence the next generation. How can we do this if finding and knowing ourselves is demonized?

How to manage Validation. External and Internal Validation

In order to maintain a healthy relationship with validation one must find balance. That balance will be found by utilizing external and internal validation in the most efficient way. External validation is what we accept as truth and fact from others and Internal validation is what we accept as truth and fact from within ourselves. External validation should only be used when absolutely necessary and when dealing with the collective society. External validation is used when maneuvering through social groups, careers, when managing social morality, how you act toward others, or with the friends you choose to have around you. Internal validation should be used for things that deal with self: Self-esteem, self-worth, self-love, and your values. Think of external validation as something that allows you to see how well your internal validation is working. That’s why it is called balance, these two aspects have to come together and work with each other to maintain a healthy use of validation.