Learning to set boundaries in a way that honors our experiences, thoughts, needs, and wants help us to solidify our sense of self with both our internal and external worlds. It also helps create less stress and more balance in our relationships.  Having clear boundaries are essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle and even more important, needed for preserving our relationships. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Our personal boundaries are the guidelines, rules or limits that we create to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards us, and how we will respond when someone crosses those limits. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances, Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions and insuring respect regarding them, Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others, Spiritual boundaries allows us to protect a set of beliefs centered around our connection to something bigger than ourselves, and personal boundaries allows you to set goals for your own personal life and happiness. Understanding the importance of this allows us to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves, preserving the relationships we hold dear to our hearts.

Setting boundaries affect every aspect of our lives including our self-esteem by giving us an overall sense of strength, not only to persevere but also to strive to create our versions of a fulfilled life.  When it comes to setting boundaries there are three major points that we want you to think about in order to improve your self-esteem:

·       Enmeshment-represents your quality of thought (knowledge)

·       Standards- represents your quality of self (self image)

·       Balance in setting boundaries- represents your quality of life (what to expect)

When we don’t have boundaries in our lives it implies that we don’t have a solid sense of self.  Because of this we tend to take on other people’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, beliefs, and values rather than to have our own. This is commonly referred to as enmeshment. Enmeshment is described as a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are unclear.  This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, but can also be mental, spiritual and physical. We see this when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other person does as well.  A good example of this is when a teenage daughter gets anxious and depressed and her mom, in turn, gets anxious and depressed. Or on a bigger scale, when someone in your community has a negative experience or is harmed by others outside the tribe and it sparks community outrage   When people are enmeshed they are unable to separate their emotional experience from that of their tribe even if everyone believes that they are individuals and that they have clear personal boundaries with each other.  When we are enmeshed with another person it means that there is no distinct boundaries between you and another person. One or both people will then have difficulty identifying their own unique individual experience and how it differs from the other person. It’s important to note that this is a natural happen stance of prolonged attachment, but we still have to be aware that it’s happening so that we can dissect the validity of our emotions because being enmeshed can be very stressful, draining, and overwhelming. Relationships can easily get “messy” and a person can unconsciously or consciously feel like they have no control over themselves or anything in their lives. As a result, a person’s natural tendency would then be to try to control other people through manipulation, which result in codependency. Diminishing their sense of self and negatively affecting their self-esteem.

Next is setting boundaries through standards. In this you create your standard and then implement it through the setting of boundaries. It’s important that we understand that before we can set our boundaries we have to know our own expectation for a situation. To achieve this we must communicate clearly to ourselves our standards, and what we expect from our relationships with others. If you do not know what your standards are, they are comprised of your values, your desires, your needs, your beliefs and your goals; these are the building blocks to establish to yourself what you expect out of life. For example if one of your standards is a peaceful life, you may ask the people around you to keep you out of drama, or you may end or lessen your time with people who are messy. Creating standards allows you to have a plan for how you’re going to go about getting the life experience you want. Without standards you cannot set effective boundaries. Having boundaries can ensure that you’re having amazing experiences within your relationships and that they are mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring. As we stated in the previous article bad experiences is one of the main reasons for lowered self-esteem. Setting boundaries and clearly communicating the standard associated allows for less risk of someone crossing those boundaries, which will improve our self-esteem. Now that we have our standards we can focus on the next step boundaries, the way in which we insure that others are respecting our standards. Boundaries are the basic guidelines that we create to make sure that the behavior of others towards us aligns with our standard. In simpler terms they establish how others are able to behave around us. Setting the standard for what behavior is okay or not okay and the consequences incase someone crosses those limits. Having consequences are essential to rather or not you succeed in the setting of boundaries, however, at some point in your life, I am sure you have felt your boundaries being violated. You may think or feel a person is “odd” because of the way they behave towards you. They may deny that they said or told you something and you question your sanity. They may continue to do an action towards you that they know affects you negatively (personal) or try to convince you to convert to their religion against your wishes (spiritual boundaries).  It could be a stranger that is standing too close to you or touching you (physical boundary) or asking you very personal questions (emotional). Perhaps you have been a target of emotional abuse or bullying at home, in school or at the workplace (psychological). All are examples of boundary violations. When our boundaries are crossed we usually blame others because we expect them to be good people. (Queen logic- you cannot expect even the nicest of people to deny themselves of an easier experience or their own desires to do what is in the best interest of you!) Assuming people understand your standards and boundaries is a slippery slope. People have to be told what you expect from them in a relationship.  There needs to be clear standards and boundaries given in all relationships, platonic or not, and if they cross them there must be unwavering consequences so that they understand that crossing your boundaries is not an option.

Setting healthy boundaries is essential In order to be happy, but I would be lying to you if I said people will always respect your boundaries. You need to know your limits. What you can handle and what you cannot handle. So let’s talk about how to win in toxic relationships where your boundaries are constantly being crossed. Rather we avoid people or hope that people will respect our boundaries, there are relationships that we just cant get away from. We can choose whom we interact with in our personal life such as choosing close friends, but this is not always the case in other environments such as work, family, community, etc. When in these environments we can feel uncomfortable or even violated when we interact with those who disregard our need for healthy boundaries. This is especially true and problematic with these groups of people:

·       People who have mental health issues– they struggle with mental concepts due to medical conditions.

·       People who just don’t understand the need for boundaries– they were never taught by their families to establish boundaries and have lived their whole lives void of the idea so they avoid the concept all together. They feel like their experiences can’t be managed or controlled. These people are usually like (crash dummies) people come into their lives behaving in any kind of manner, and because of this, if your close to them they will allow other to move poorly in your space, they are very chaotic.

·       People who want to manipulate and control your life– these people are narcissist they are not around you to accept who you are, they want to change you, and usually to benefit themselves (not to better you). They constantly ask you to disregard your own standards, values, and morals by using mental tactics like bulling, gas lighting, or commenting negatively about your traits and personality. They believe they know what’s best for you, even when unwarranted. They act as if they can’t see how their actions negatively affect you or you life.

·        People who lack boundaries for their own lives so others implementing their boundaries offends them– these people may or may not understand boundaries but regardless have no use for them in their life. Due to this perspective they do not respect other people and their boundaries and constantly want others to disregard their own need for boundaries. These are the “I would do it for you” kind of people, the “its not that serious, you tripping” kinds of people. These are the people who unlike the people that want to manipulate and control your life, just don’t want to be limited by your limitations because, why? I allow you to do anything in my life. They struggle with self-esteem and have very little expectations for the people in their lives; if they do they are too afraid to say so. These people usually have a problem with authority and rules.

These people represent the main personalities that will give you a hard time implementing your boundaries. They are the people you have to watch out for and understand if you want to win while in a toxic relationship. To stay positive we have to be aware of how our boundaries have been violated, so that we can create plans to counteract. This will help us keep our peace of mind and not lose ourselves while in their company. We must also be aware of how we’re being affected. We know this by the way we feel. Feelings of confusion, anxiety, disrespect, or feeling drained around a person can all be signs that our boundaries have been violated and we need to interfere. We do this by knowing how to establish healthy emotional, psychological, and physical boundaries in toxic relationships so we can feel respected and safe. How? Well the first step is by knowing your rights for a healthy relationship and being strong enough to state them. Budgeting out your time with them, spending less time around them, on the phone with them, or not playing into their games, i.e, you know they want to put you in drama so you avoid the situation or you take control of the situation by practicing conflict resolution. Lastly you can become indifferent while around them; don’t pay attention to them, ignore what they’re saying, redirect their conversations as if you didn’t hear them, make others more important in group settings, and most importantly understand who they are and don’t let them upset you. If you feel as though the relationship is so toxic that it’s affecting your quality of life. You many need to walk way from it all together or just until you can figure out a plan that improves the situation.

Our self-esteem is fragile because its impacted by so many factors. Setting boundaries improves our risk factors and allows us to have more control of our experiences. 

Happy growing babes