This homework goes with the article Understanding Validation. I recommend reading the article so that you can have solid understanding of validation before continuing.

By now I hope you all have realized how important and powerful validation is to our mental process regarding connection and value. Validation cannot be overlooked or disregarded because you could be mindlessly making decisions based in validation that can really change the trajectory of your life. I have created some homework below so that you can take this mental process into your own hands and learn how to manage validation in a healthy way.

Grab a pen, some paper and start going through the lists below. We are going to use the skill TAT (think about thinking).

1.     Go through the Conditioning of Validation list below.

a.     Think about each category and write down how you were validated or invalidated.

b.     Write down the emotions you feel in conjunction to each category as you think about the good and the deficiencies.

2.     Then go down the Negative Validation list below.

a.     Think about each one and how you may relate to it.

b.     Has anything happened in your child hood that created an onset of these issues? Think of any deficiencies that may relate.

3.     Solutions. We do not just sit in our problems we fix them. Anything that may have happened in your child hood is not your fault. What happens in you adult hood is totally up to you though. You may dwell or you can do something about it. We recommend that you do something about it!

a.     Think about your list and all the ways you are seeking validation and determine whether or not they bring value to your life.

b.     Make a list of ways you plan to change the unhealthy pattern of seeking validation that does not add value to your life. This may require research for your specific needs.

4. Now let’s get to work ladies. It is time to start healing.

**Remember this homework is to highlight toxic validation patterns but it is up to you to put in the work by finding solutions and executing a plan to overcome these behaviors. 

Conditioning of Validation list:

Keep in mind just because you have your parents in your life (one or both) does not mean they poured anything into your cup. If they did not take the time to guide and build your character or self-esteem, this will show in the way you process information and make future decisions. Also just because you did not have your parents in your life or one parent in your life does not mean that you automatically have validation issues. If you were able to get it from someone else (grandmothers, Grandfathers, Uncles, Aunts, etc.) in your life then this could have given you the support you needed.

Family love/feelings; thoughts that build self-esteem (emotional)

Positive Ex. A mother expressing to her daughter that she loves her and that she added so much value to her life. This person sees that reflected in the mothers attitude toward her on a day to day basis. This may result in feelings of feeling worthy and add to one’s self-esteem.

Negative Ex. A mother expressing to her daughter that she is too busy to be concerned with her and that she should learn to figure things out for herself.  That may be seen as a good skill to be developed but it was forced through the perspective of not being important which will affect future decision moving forward.

Family approval; opinions that build character (mental)

Positive Ex. A father telling his daughter she is smart and beautiful, that she has unlimited potential and can be anything she wants to be. This will unconsciously tell her she is valuable.

Negative Ex. Having a father that was not present or rarely present. Can unconsciously or consciously tell her that she is not important nor valuable creating feelings of abandonment and this will definitely affect future decisions.

Family Support /actions toward you; Actively supports. Hugs, showing up for your good and bad moments. Understanding the way you move through the world all the way down to your appearance. (physical)

Positive Ex. Parents supporting their child’s interests and talents; basketball, creative arts, music , etc. Teaches how to show love and support.

Negative Ex. Having choir functions but because your parents are not interested in choir, they do not attend any functions. This will cause thoughts of feeling unimportant and could possibly teach you that you do no have to show up to support people if you do not find what they do interesting.

Being able to ask questions about spirituality and being understood for the curiosity of it. (spiritual)

Positive Ex. Questioning religion and societal norms without being attacked or condemned. Teaches them to question peoples morality and keep them from ending up in questionable situations.

Negative Ex. Never allowing your child to ask questions about religion and spirituality or even question their own religion or spiritual system. This teaches to have blind faith in what people say without doing proper research or basic reasoning.

Negative Validation list:

Seeking connection or value through sexual situations

Seeking societal validation by staying in dysfunctional relationships

People pleasing

An uncontrollable need for attention in every situation (even conversations)

Basing your values and morals on the acceptance of others

Anything that keeps you from living in your truth; what you want, what you like, the kind of person you want to be , etc.

Not trusting self and relies on social environment for the correct response.

Problems regulating emotions, ignores or withholds emotions or is extremely emotional because of fears of being ostracized or misunderstood.

Sensitive to failure, perfectionism, and forming unrealistic goals.